


Broken Record

by Araesson



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Diary/Journal, Harry Can't Work With Himself, Harry Potter is Sirius Black, Harry is Fate's Chew Toy, Multi, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2018-10-15 00:43:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10547124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Araesson/pseuds/Araesson
Summary: Follow the journal of Harry Potter-- or is it Sirius Black?-- as he finds himself trapped in a never-ending time loop after he should have died. Like that ever works. He's fate's favorite chew toy, after all.





	1. Sirius Take 1- Part 1

_ Sirius Take 1 _

_ Part 1 _

 

Fuck.

I was fairly positive that I was dead, but you know what actually happened? I somehow ended up becoming a baby. 

Oh, and it gets better! I’ve  _ somehow  _ gone back in time. It’s 1963, and I am a four-year-old named Sirius Black. Time Turners don’t go that far back, or at least I’m pretty positive they don’t. 

But wait, there’s even  _ more!  _ The Blacks are a pureblood supremacist family, and my little two-year-old brother is also my third cousin. I remember enough from muggle school and my own experiences with insane purebloods to know that inbreeding is a big no-no. 

I never heard or met a Sirius Black during my time as Harry Potter, the boy-who-can’t-save-shit. However, I had plenty experience with certain cousins of mine. 

Having to grow up again is probably the worst torture anyone could have set up for me, especially since the Blacks are basically everything I’ve fought against during the last several years before my death and rebirth. I’ve been on the brink of losing the little sanity I have left, having to act like an average four year old that isn’t secretly in their late teenage years. Not being able to act yourself is more taxing than it would seem on first glance, which is why I ended up getting this journal, so I have somewhere to rant about how life has screwed me over. I swear I’m fate’s favorite chew toy, so much so that it couldn’t bear to let death take me. 

The only good thing about this is that I know what happens in the future, and therefore can cause Voldemort some problems. I have to get back at him for killing me and basically everyone else, after all. Can’t just let him have the world. 

I suppose this means I can save my parents and my friends. I would really like that, actually. Isn’t that every orphan’s big dream, to find a way to bring their parents back?

I’ll just have to find a way to do it. I have a good bit of years, so I have plenty of time to plan it all. 

My baby brother just woke up. Loudly. At least he’s kinda cute, though he’ll probably grow up to be a not-so-cute Death Eater, unless I intervene. Not really sure how much I can change that. He’s smart, but I’m not sure how much influence I’ll have over him. 

Well, I’ll try. I suppose this means I’ll have to spend time with him. I’ll probably suck as a big brother, but I’ll try. 

 

I’m starting to understand why Bellatrix Lestrange was a raving lunatic. If she was raised in the same way I was, it makes plenty of sense. If I didn’t have my memories and past experiences… I would be well on my way to being an insane Death Eater. 

My ‘mother’ has always known there was something off about me, no matter how hard I tried to act normal. She despises me, now, I think. She at least does a fairly good imitation of it, all the while doting on Regulus, her little Prince. She tries to keep us separate, afraid I’ll contaminate him or something, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop him from going dark. I already see him going from the innocent, adorable baby brother I’ve always known to the good little Death Eater, willing to do anything to please mum. I hate it. I really had a lot of hopes for Reg.

Anyway, I’ll keep trying to be a good brother, a good influence. No matter what that hag that gave birth to me does in punishment, no matter how painful. I don’t care. I’m going to save as many people as possible this time, I won’t let Voldemort win. I absolutely refuse. I definitely won’t let him take Reg. 

I only have two years until Hogwarts. Until Reg is alone in this hellhole for one year. After that, thankfully, he’ll be away from mother’s influence, and hopefully I can steer him in the right direction. Unfortunately, if he’s a Slytherin, I won’t have much access to him… and he’ll be surrounded by the soon-to-be Death Eaters. Our family have all been Slytherins, and I’m afraid that he’ll follow the trend. I could be in Slytherin, too, but… 

Then I won’t be able to talk to my dad or mum, from when I was Harry. I won’t be close enough to save them. 

Voldemort’s already rising to power, we’ve heard about it here. Mostly my parents admiring his views, terrible human beings that they are.

I’m scared I won’t be able to stop him this time, just like last time. I don’t think I can go through all of that again. I still have nightmares all of the time, and sometimes I forget I’m not at war… and I even scare myself. Sometimes, I just get so  _ angry,  _ or so  _ scared,  _ and I don’t know what to do. My training as heir isn’t helping, it’s making it so much worse. They want me to learn how to hurt, how to kill, all of these terrible curses… what’s really scary is I’m good at them. Sometimes I just want to hurt, want to do like they tell me. And then I remember all the horrible things Voldemort and his followers did, and I hate myself for it. I hate this fucking hellhole, I just need to get out before they change me into something I don’t like.

Two more years, and I can get away from here. Just two more years, and I’ll go back to normal, and I can work on saving everyone. I’ll go home.

I hate my family. I hate every single one of them, except for Reg, and my cousin Andy. I’ve seen all of them as Harry, all of them as Death Eaters. All of them eager to kill me. I have to remind myself I’m not at war, that they aren’t Death Eaters yet and they aren’t trying to kill me. 

Everything's just so complicated. I’m grateful for the chance to change things, truly I am, but sometimes… sometimes I wish I had stayed dead. I close my eyes, and I see them. Ron, Hermione, Dumbledore, my parents… I want to be with them, but most of them haven’t even been born yet. And the ones that have won’t know me, they won’t be the people they had been. 

Fuck my life. And malfunctioning death. 


	2. Sirius Take 1- Part 2

_Sirius Take 1_

_Part 2_

 

So, I realized something.

James and Lily Potter are the same age as me. I only figured this out when I ended up in the same compartment as they did on the train. Not only that, but _Severus_ fucking _Snape_ is also the same age. And the Death Eater that killed Dumbledore is friends with my mother. Thankfully, James didn't seem to like him, either, however, now Lily seems to dislike us as well.

It's quickly turning into hatred. Maybe she knows, about me? Knows what a screw up I turned out to be, how much of a failure of a son I am, and is ashamed? I don't know.

All I know is that every time she glares at me, my heart breaks. My mum, the one who died protecting me, hates me now. Does she regret saving me, or would she have, if she knew how I'd turn out after everything?

Lily hates James more, which is maddening. Had it been the same when I was Harry? How could it go from this to them getting married?

At least James doesn't hate me. We're friends, actually, and quite the troublemakers with the other two we picked up- Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. I don't know anything about Peter, but I remember a Remus Lupin. He was my Defense Professor for third year, though he never mentioned it if he knew my dad. He was probably my favorite teacher of the subject, so I encouraged that friendship on a whim. He's a bit of a studious one- reminds me a bit of Hermione, only a little less outspoken.

Peter isn't too bad. He has a sort of nervous energy about him, but he's lively enough. Soon he was joining in as James and I began making ourselves known as pranksters. Remus joined, too, for all he muttered about rules as he followed.

That Severus Snape makes me furious. I remember very well what a nasty, terrible man he became, and he has the nerve to be friends with my mum, like he isn't secretly insulting her muggle heritage behind her back with his Death Eater friends. James hates him just as much as I, and we've played several tricks on him. I've lost my temper a few times, but I can't help it. I just can't believe my mother would be friends with such a terrible human being.

However… a lot of why Snape hated me last life makes a little more sense, with all this about my mum and dad. It doesn't excuse the jerk, but I guess I understand it a little more?

* * *

We've dubbed ourselves the Marauders and have made it our mission to become the most well-known pranksters to come to Hogwarts. Fred and George would be proud. I've actually taken inspiration from several of their own pranks to come up with our own, and they've all turned out spectacularly.

There's only one thing. Remus is… weird. A few days out of a month he just disappears out of the blue and gives us the weakest excuses. He did the same as a teacher, now that I think about it. I've discussed it with James and Peter but they don't see anything weird about it. I won't ask Remus about it yet, but I'm starting to worry.

In addition, Reg isn't responding to my letters. I'd hoped, but I suppose I'm too much of a disgrace now that I'm Gryffindor. My mother sent me the most livid howler I've ever heard when she got the news. I suppose now that I've shown my true blood-traitor colors she won't allow me to ever speak to Reg again.

I know I shouldn't give up… but what is there that I can do? He's already too far gone, I'm afraid. He's not a bad person, really, he's just so determined to impress mum that he'd do anything, even make the mistake of serving Voldemort. It kills me inside, but I can't change it. I _tried,_ damn it. It just wasn't good enough! I love my brother, how am I supposed to live knowing one day I'm going to have to fight on the opposite side of a war and hope to god someone else kills him first?

James won't understand. He was raised a spoiled only child to a pair of Gryffindor purebloods, and he doesn't know that war is coming. He's just a kid, really. What would I tell him, even if he could understand? That I'm his future son with the girl he's becoming obsessed with, sent back in time to the body of Sirius Black? He'd call me insane, and then he'd hate me too. How would I protect him then?

How am I going to save Lily?

I just wish I could talk to _someone,_ someone who wouldn't call me crazy. I thought about Dumbledore… but it's hard enough looking at him from across the room, let alone trying to talk to him. I watched the man die, right there in front of me, and I couldn't do anything but stare like the useless, pathetic boy I am.

God, I just want Ron and Hermione. But, because life fucking hates me, they haven't even been born. _I_ haven't even been born yet! Like, what the hell is my life? It gives me a headache, just thinking about it. Harry Potter, war veteran, or Sirius Black, disgrace to his family?

I've thought about talking to Remus, if only because I think he'd at least listen, even if he wouldn't ever believe me. But how can I load all of this shit onto a child? It wouldn't be right.

So I'm left venting to sheets of paper about how I've been screwed over. Wonderful. If anyone ever reads this I'm going to seem like the most insane man (child?) in the world, even compared to Voldemort. Maybe I am.

But does any of that actually matter? I'm here, and I need to save everyone and stop Voldemort. Nothing beyond that is all that important. My feelings can be damned, as long as I can save as many as possible and stop it from ending like it had.

I have to believe I can stop this. This mission… it's all I've got. I'm a mess, really. Looking at James every morning makes me want to start sobbing. Watching Lily glare and trying to ignore it makes me want to scream. Looking at all of the young Death Eaters, men and women I watched commit terrible acts in the name of 'purity' makes me want to pull out my wand and send all those curses I learned flying. I've nearly done it, found myself holding my wand and fighting not to aim and let war instincts take over until I've killed every one of them. They haven't done anything yet, but knowing that they will hurt those I love and set the world on fire brings out something in me that screams that letting them live is just sealing the fate of countless innocent lives.

I grit my teeth. I remind myself that I'm in a school, that I'm a kid who shouldn't know how to kill among children who are mostly innocent. That I can't allow my young mum and dad, or Remus and Peter, to see me become a monster. I couldn't stand it, the looks they'd give. I'd become the bad guy, the evil in the world.

When did life have to become so complicated? Death would have been so much easier, even if my death seals the fate of everyone else. Death really is a mercy.

But I have to use this chance to make sure people get the lives they deserve. Once it's over… well, I won't be needed anymore. Once it's over…

If it's ever over.


	3. Sirius Take 1- Part 3

_ Sirius Take 1 _

_ Part 3 _

 

I wasn’t sure exactly what I expected, but this wasn’t it. 

I brought up my suspicions about Remus’s frequent absences with the other two. They were both already suspicious of it, but we’ve finally taken action. We did a little research (which made me think of Hermione, when she’d troop us into the library to deal with the newest crisis via researching ourselves to insanity). 

Remus, it turns out, is a werewolf. 

We tried not to jump too quickly to conclusions, but once we read up on werewolves it became remarkably hard to consider much else, since it made so much sense once we thought of it. I was surprised it hadn’t occurred to me before, given how  _ obvious  _ Remus was about it. 

Well, as they say, hindsight is 20/20. 

Once James, Peter, and I had exhausted all other possibilities, we decided we should confront Remus about it. Only Peter seemed at all nervous about the fact that Remus is a werewolf, but then again, Peter was a nervous person in general. James was only concerned. I was… somewhere in the middle, I guess. The idea of a werewolf, a possible threat, being nearby every full moon isn’t the most comfortable one, but it was  _ Remus.  _ Remus who I remembered as the best teacher I’d ever had in DADA, and quickly becoming the one I trusted most out of my friends. Remus is intelligent, and he listened to what you had to say and was good with advice. There was always something stopping me from completely trusting James, a fear that the man who was my father in another life would be disappointed in what I was. 

Anyway, we confronted Remus about it. As soon as we brought it up I could tell he was terrified. Poor thing looked like he’d bolt as soon as he saw an escape route. It took some time to get it through his skull that we didn’t hate him for something he couldn’t control. He’d looked so relieved at the realization that I felt cold all over. 

There has to be something I can do to let him know we won’t desert him. I suppose I can’t speak for the others, though I doubt any of them will, either. 

I’ll just have to think on the issue, I guess. 

And maybe I should tell him. About me. Would that help any, or would it just make everything worse? I honestly don’t know. I’ll just leave it for now. 

* * *

As guessed, Regulus became a Slytherin after a summer of hell.

I’d really rather not write about my unpleasant break. Unfortunately, James and Remus both seem to be giving me weird looks at how jumpy I’ve been since getting back. If Peter has noticed, he’s leaving it alone for now. 

James of course came right out and asked me what was wrong. I pleaded exhaustion and such. I don’t think Remus believed me, but at least James let the matter drop. 

In other news, James and I came up with a way to assure Remus of our loyalty. We’ll become animagi. I’m aware that it’s difficult magic that can go quite wrong, but I think we can manage it in a few years. I just hope it works out. Becoming an animagus has to be one of the awesomest uses of magic, even if it isn’t the most useful in everyday life. Not that it  _ wouldn’t  _ be useful, especially in life-threatening situations when higher-tuned animal sense might save your life, and likely even keep someone disguised. Animagi are supposed to be quite rare, due to how complex the magic is, so no one suspects every animal they come across to be one. 

I sound like a war veteran, constantly bringing everything back to its potential use in battle. I  _ am  _ a war veteran, really, not that I look it any more. Though I will give my new appearance one thing-- the hair is much more manageable. And I guess I kind of rock the mysterious grey eyed thing, even if I am still only a kid. 

At least I’m getting there. Though the teenage years in the meanwhile are going to be hell. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your time.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read my story.  
> I do not own Harry Potter.


End file.
